Toxicity
After my episode with Brandon in 2008-09, I’ve been looking at the type of people I’ve had around me. Those friendships I cultivated as well as the relationships I have in my family. I’ve come to realize that many of those friends were toxic. They were tearing me down in such subtle ways. I’ve come to the conclusion that I attract these people. People that use me for all they can. Relationships that are one sided, where I’m their personal cheerleader, confidant, bank, advisor but where none of those things are reciprocated to me. I give so much of myself, my time devoted to helping them while they don’t put nearly as much time or energy into me. Some (the majority) use me to make themselves feel better. Like my coworker said, I have the word “SUCKER” stamped on my forehead.
I’m just tired. I don’t know what it is about me that attracts these people. These parasites. I realize now that it’s better to be alone with no friends than to have people who put you down or make you feel like shit. That’s why I’m glad that I’m leaving. I have so many bad memories from living in the US. So many people have hurt me. I just want to leave it all behind and start anew because their poison has started to get to me. Will I remember my years in the US fondly? I did have some good experiences but much of them were outweighed by so much negativity, misery and pain.
I have also realized not to depend on others to validate your existence. That self worth is what you make it to be. Some say I’m a bitch, that I have a nasty attitude, that I nag too much, that I am mean, heartless, shady, cold… You name it, they have said it. But none of that should ever matter as long as I know who I am and who I want to be. I will become what I want to become. I read somewhere that the only limitations that keeps a person from achieving their goals are self imposed. They stem from a lack of belief in themselves. I completetly agree. I may suck at chemistry but I will get through chemistry 1, 2 and oragnic 1 and 2 AND whatever chemistry classes required for my major. My dad’s family and my friends in Montreal might see me as crazy for returning to Canada but who cares??? It is my life and not theirs. They may view me as foolish but I will know that I made the best decision for me in regards to my education…
And guess what? My opinion is the only one that matters
