Loneliness
As i was packing up the rest of my belongings and getting ready for the move, I stumbled upon the journal I kept from January-August of 2008. I read entry to entry and found one recurring theme: LONELINESS. I felt so alone at that time. I had no friends (apart from Long) and no one to talk to. My older sister was slowly shutting down and my mom pretending that everything was fine. There were a few things i wrote that I thought had great wisdom and foresight. Even back then I was plotting my return back to Montreal….
I still have’t shaken off my loneliness but I am less alone than I was 2 years ago. I have this one friend Edward (who I sometimes take for granted) who really helped me deal with alot of stuff this year. And it’s really sad to say but facebook makes me feel like I’m a part of a group, interacting with semi strangers or people I haven’t talked to in years.
Will I ever stop feeling lonely? Who knows? But I did go from totally depressed and suicidal, ready to give up on life to feeling ok. And even when my health took a turn for the worst in July and August, I found great support in an unexpected place. I feel like maybe I can handle my emotions much better than before. I still make myself sick from worry, sadness or anger but i am starting to improve.
I hope that as I get older, loneliness will somehow fade and my life be filled with people that I love and who love me in return.
Happy New Year!
