After my episode with Brandon in 2008-09, I’ve been looking at the type of people I’ve had around me. Those friendships I cultivated as well as the relationships I have in my family. I’ve come to realize that many of those friends were toxic. They were tearing me down in such subtle ways. I’ve come to the conclusion that I attract these people. People that use me for all they can. Relationships that are one sided, where I’m their personal cheerleader, confidant, bank, advisor but where none of those things are reciprocated to me. I give so much of myself, my time devoted to helping them while they don’t put nearly as much time or energy into me. Some (the majority) use me to make themselves feel better. Like my coworker said, I have the word “SUCKER” stamped on my forehead.

I’m just tired. I don’t know what it is about me that attracts these people. These parasites. I realize now that it’s better to be alone with no friends than to have people who put you down or make you feel like shit. That’s why I’m glad that I’m leaving. I have so many bad memories from living in the US. So many people have hurt me. I just want to leave it all behind and start anew because their poison has started to get to me. Will I remember my years in the US fondly? I did have some good experiences but much of them were outweighed by so much negativity, misery and pain.

I have also realized not to depend on others to validate your existence. That self worth is what you make it to be. Some say I’m a bitch, that I have a nasty attitude, that I nag too much, that I am mean, heartless, shady, cold… You name it, they have said  it. But none of that should ever matter as long as I know who I am and who I want to be. I will become what I want to become. I read somewhere that the only limitations that keeps a person from achieving their goals are self imposed. They stem from a lack of belief in themselves. I completetly agree. I may suck at chemistry but I will get through chemistry 1, 2 and oragnic 1 and 2 AND whatever chemistry classes required for my major. My dad’s family and my friends in Montreal might see me as crazy for returning to Canada but who cares??? It is my life and not theirs. They may view me as foolish but I will know that I made the best decision for me in regards to my education…

And guess what? My opinion is the only one that matters

It’s like I don’t care abou the future anymore. I still don’t know what i want to do in life… Well, I do. I just have a lot of self doubt. I want to do research. Medical to be more exact. Do graduate work in virology and maybe get a Ph D in genetics. I’m really torn though. I want to focus on viruses more than anything. Maybe we could finally cure them or, really, stop their life cycle. Find a way to enable our bodies to recognize them as foreign agents. I don’t know if I want to major in chemistry or biology. You learn more about them in biology but you can find ways to combat them with chemistry. I’m really torn. When my cousin, 3 years ago, said she wanted to major in biology, we all laughed at her. We said “what will you do with a biology degree?” We were right. To find very good employment, you have to have a master’s. You can find jobs with biology with just an undergrad but they are fewer and in between. Many resort to teaching. To be honest, I don’t want to be in school forever. And i don’t want to teach high school students.

Also, if you do a science undergrad, most people expect you to be prepping for med or pharm school. I don’t really want to do either. I just want to be left alone with my organisms, be it in a lab or in the wild. I guess i hate interating with humans lol. When i do labs, I forget about all the shit that’s going on in my life. It feels great, you know? I get to focus on other things and find them interesting. I know this girl who is doing anthropology. SHe has no fears about her financial future. None whatsoever. I wish I was more like that. But being the child of 2 immigrants, you just can’t forget that they left their countries so they could have more financial security and better lives. I feel as though I am spitting in their faces by even thinking about getting a Bachelor’s in Biology.

I really don’t know what to do. I keep waiting on a sign from God. Maybe He will point me in the right direction. I don’t know…

With my future more and more uncertain, I am regressing. I have been avoiding my boyfriend like the plague. I don’t want to talk to him. I’m already so attached. WHat happens when I leave? I don’t want to have to feel that pain. I want to make a clean break. He is clouding my judgement, my logic. I know that when I leave, it’ll feel like someone reached into my chest and tore my heart out.

Love just complicates things. I have always been afraid of feeling but he made me comfortable. Vulnerable. I know I should cherish these last few months together but I’m so scare

What should I do?

I hate feeling so down. Hopefully seeing him will help. If not, then I don’t know what I’m going to do about this…

Maybe i’m emotional cause my period is coming soon. Or maybe it’s the fact that i still don’t know what i’m going to do as far as school is concerned. I already applied to 2 universities in Canada as my back ups but I want to stay here so my mom is not alone in raising my little sister. I wish that she would just move back too but she prefers living in the U.S. I also gotta be honest with myself. My boyfriend is another major factor for me wanting to stay here. I just want to give us a real shot and see how far we can go. I never imagined that we would last this long and be as strong as we are today. I just don’t want to leave and regret it, you know?

I applied to a private college in Orlando but that’s going to cost me money. Plus, as of May, i’m going to be unemployed. If I can’t find a new job, then i wont be able to buy a car and i’ll have no way of going to school. Taking the bus to UCF is brutal but to be honest, I dont want to go to UCF. It’s not that great of a school (apart for their terrific engineering programs). Life is just so confusing. I could try to stay here but, to be honest, I just feel like giving up. If I claim my own taxes and declare my scholarships, they might screw me over again this year on the FAFSA and say that my father and i make too much. But filing my own taxes is my only chance of at least trying to get myself declared as independent. It’s like a catch 22. I’d be taking such a big risk for something that is not guaranteed.

I might try to contact UCF and see how I could maybe get declared independent. See what the minimum income I had to make last year, see if I meet the requirement and then try. My friend also told me to apply to USF because they give out tons of money in transfer scholarships but i’d have to pay for my room and board AND find a job in Tampa. But they have such a great biology program! ANd they’re starting up a pharmacy program in addition to all their allied health professions.

I dont even have the 66$ it’ll take for 2 applications (for USF and UCF) and to have my transcripts sent. This is giving me a huge headache…

I wish I could get a sign that would point me in the right direction!

For the first time in my life, i’m actually excited about Valentine’s day. Not because I’m finally going to get something for V-day (I’m not cause we’re too broke). But because I will be spending it with someone who loves me and that I love back. Just being with him is enough. This year, though already having some major downs (like the earthquake) is much better than last year. I’m in a committed, loving relationship. He makes me feel good about my body, my personality, MY SELF. Unlike the jackass that stompped on my heart last year, he doesn’t try to change me or mold me into what he wants. I am what he wants. Like Darcy in Bridget Jones’ Diary, he loves me “just as I am.” And I love that. So I guess God’s gift to me for Valentine’s day was bringing me a man who would teach me to be comfortable in my own skin, and expect whoever I’m with to like me for me. This relationship is teaching me how to be strong and be able to stand on my own but also to open up emotionally and be brave with my heart. It has also taught me that my dude is lucky to have me, not the other way around lol.

I love being in love <3

zeeluvss:

nonny:

Jordan Miles, Teen Violinist: Beat By Police Over Mt. Dew Bottle

PITTSBURGH — The photos taken by Jordan Miles’ mother show his face covered with raw, red bruises, his cheek and lip swollen, his right eye swollen shut. A bald spot mars the long black dreadlocks where the 18-year-old violist says police tore them from his head.

Now, 10 days after plainclothes officers stopped him on a street and arrested him after a struggle that they say revealed a soda bottle under his coat, not the gun they suspected, his right eye is still slightly swollen and bloodshot. His head is shaved. The three white officers who arrested him have been reassigned. And his mother says she is considering a lawsuit.

“I feel that my son was racially profiled,” Terez Miles said. “It’s a rough neighborhood; it was after dark. … They assumed he was up to no good because he’s black. My son, he knows nothing about the streets at all. He’s had a very sheltered life, he’s very quiet, he doesn’t know police officers sit in cars and stalk people like that.”

A judge continued the case until Feb. 18 after the officers failed to appear at a hearing Thursday, Miles’ attorney, Kerrington Lewis, said.

The police department is saying little as it investigates and isn’t releasing the officers’ names. Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said that the city is investigating whether the officers’ actions were justified and that if they weren’t, “they will be held accountable for those actions.”

“The incident was very troubling to me, and we’re taking it very seriously,” Ravenstahl told reporters. “It seems as if there was a tremendous amount of force used.”

Miles’ family describes him as a studious teenager who plays the viola for a jazz band and the orchestra at Pittsburgh’s prestigious Creative and Performing Arts High School.

The confrontation began around 11 p.m. Jan. 12, when the teenager walked out of his mother’s home and headed to his grandmother’s, where he spends most nights. His mother complimented him on the new jacket he had gotten for his birthday.

“It looks handsome,” she said, smiling as he walked down the front steps.

As Miles walked up the block, he noticed three men sitting in a white car, “but I thought nothing of it,” he said.

The criminal complaint says Miles was standing against a building “as if he was trying to avoid being seen.” But he says he was walking when the men jumped out of the car.

“Where’s the money?” one shouted, according to Miles. “Where’s the gun? Where’s the drugs?” the other two said. “It was intimidating; I thought I was going to be robbed,” Miles said.

That’s when he says he took off back to his mother’s house but slipped on the icy sidewalk. Before he could pull himself up, Miles said, the men were at his back.

“That’s when they started beating me, punching, kicking me, choking me,” he said.

Not until 15 minutes later, when uniformed officers drove up in a van and Miles overheard their conversation, did he realize he had been arrested, he said. Initially, when the handcuffs were clamped around his wrists, he thought he was being abducted, he said.

The police believed Miles, who appeared to have something heavy in his pocket, was carrying a gun, according to the affidavit. The police say they used a stun gun on the teenager.

According to the affidavit, the object in Miles’ pocket turned out to be a bottle of Mountain Dew. But Miles says he didn’t have anything in his pocket and rarely drinks Mountain Dew.

“The story just doesn’t make sense when you read the affidavit,” said Lewis, the teen’s attorney.

Miles said the family is considering suing the police department and the officers.

“I knew that he hadn’t done anything wrong,” his mother said. “That’s just not an option for Jordan.”

Pittsburgh police have reassigned the three officers and put them back in uniform while the city investigates, spokeswoman Diane Richard said. She declined to say whether racial allegations are part of the probe.

Meanwhile, Jordan Miles says he awaits a physician’s approval to return to school and is suffering from nightmares and flashbacks.

Once he’s done with school, he says, he hopes to attend Penn State University – and study crime scene investigation.

Source

This completely disgusts me.

I don’t know what to think. I guess you never forget your first but still. What about the person you’re with now? We’re about to take such a huge risk and she’s still in the back of your mind? That tells me right there that we should take a step back and re-evaluate. Ugh!

Whatever…

sadclownhooker:

This is from cnn.com/impact. If you can spare anything to help, here are some organizations. Don’t forget to do further research on the organizations. And if you can’t give anything, just keep yourself informed.

“A major earthquake struck near Haiti’s capital, Port-au-Prince, the USGS reported. Haiti’s ambassador to the U.S. said one witness described it as a “catastrophe.” Here are some organizations specifically helping Haiti. “
Full Story

How you can help:
• International Medical Corps
• Direct Relief International
• World Vision
• International Relief Teams
• Yéle Haiti
• International Red Cross
• CARE
• Catholic Relief Services
• World Food Programme
• World Concern
• Save the Children
• UNICEF USA
• More ways to help victims of NATURAL DISASTERS